|
Written by Elaine
M. Gibson/Healthyplace.com
Parents can say the
most ridiculous things at times. Most of us have
been guilty at one time or another of making
empty threats or offering fake choices.
Empty Threats
Making threats that
can not possibly be carried out is worse than
futile. A child dawdles in the morning and a
parent, already running late, threatens, "If you
don't hurry up, I'm going to leave you!" If this
is a real possibility (the child is old enough
to stay alone or another adult will be staying
with the child), the statement is a promise, not
a threat.
"If you don't eat
the spinach, you are never going to get another
meal in this house!" "If you don't pick up your
toys, I'm going to give them to another child
who will!" "If you don't stop sticking your head
out the car window, we are going to leave you at
the next rest stop!" Parents who use empty
threats never get the desired results.
Children
very quickly learn not to believe empty threats.
At best, threats
just convince our children that we are feeling
helpless. Kids angrily resent threats but they
soon realize the truth. A parent who makes such
statements has lost control and the kids have
won!
Empty
threats are a loss of control.
After a parent says
something ridiculous as a threat, the child can
challenge the threat and prove who is in
control. Even if the parent resorts to physical
force to make the child comply, the child has
won. A wise parent will not make any threat that
cannot be carried out. Remember, a promise is
different. The results are promised, the child
has a choice, and the parent acts.
Children
never believe what we say, but they believe
everything we do.
Fake Choices
Another common goof
is offering choices when there are no choices.
We want our children to do something and think
that instead of giving an order, we will ask
them politely if they want to do something.
That's a desirable course of action when the
child's response, positive or negative, is
acceptable. The problem occurs when we need a
specific response.
-
"Are you ready to take your bath? ... What
do you mean 'no'!"
-
"Are you ready to come home now? ... Well,
you have to anyway!"
-
"Would you like to go shopping with me? ...
What do you mean later, I have to go now and
you can't stay by yourself."
-
"What would you like to wear to the birthday
party? ... I don't think a swimming suit in
February is appropriate. ... I don't care if
it is what you want to wear!"
Parents can give
children choices, but only acceptable choices.
Children need the
experience of making decisions, but if there are
no acceptable alternatives, parents must never
make it seem so.
For example:
-
"It is bath time. Would you like plain water
or bubbles?"
-
"We are leaving in five minutes." (Children
need transition time)
-
"We are going shopping. I know you do not
enjoy this but I will try to be quick. We
will be home before your favorite TV
program."
-
"Would you like to wear your red dress or
your yellow overalls to the party?"
-
"It is time for bed in 10 minutes."
Note -- Given a
choice, creative children will come up with a
third or fourth alternative. A wise parent will
consider the alternatives and allow the child
that privilege. Sometimes a compromise is in
order. Negotiation is a skill all children need
to learn and the best place for learning is at
home.
Remember,
watch what you say -- your kids are listening
for mistakes. No empty threats, no fake choices. |
